I’m probably often overly self-confident. I have had my fair share of body image issues and went through a spell my freshman year of college trying to figure out if they had meant to send me an acceptance letter; but regularly this is not my frame of mind. A few months ago, I was asked two questions that opened up 100 others and made me realize how I may be self-confident in the day to day but for some reason I was (and am) struggling with the assurance of my salvation.
In the church auditorium, I sat next to my husband as we heard a message from our lead pastor about what it meant to become a member at the church. I wanted the process to go as smoothly as possible since I had never been a member of a church and was really excited that we had found a place that I felt we could call home. After the message we were to meet with an elder of the church who was going to ask us a few questions and then we’d sign the covenant and BOOM – we’d be members of the church.
Twenty minutes later we found ourselves sitting on the same curve of a round table with our elder, Marshall, and he asked us these questions:
- “On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you that you’ll go to heaven?”
- “When you get to the gates, what would you say to explain why you should get to go to heaven?”
To say the least, I got nervous. Was this a test? What was I supposed to say? Only self-righteous, overconfident jerks would say 10, right? Like who are you to think you’ll be there 100%?
“I guess I’m a 6.”
I think my answer surprised everyone at the table, even myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked to speak out loud my complete lack of belief of my worthiness for heaven. My answer to the second question was worse and unconvincing. The elder gave us some verses to read and pray on and asked us to contemplate these questions more before we became members. We basically were being politely declined for membership and I was near tears. True to form though, God knows what He’s doing.
We came away from that conversation trying to figure out where we had gone wrong. Why had our lifetime of Christian upbringing not given us the correct answer? So, we went to the one thing that could set us straight. We read verse after verse and looked up interpretations and asked more questions, but all of this was because we have a deep-seated need for a perfection that we feel God deserves from us, but we know that we fall short of.
But the Truth, of which I still am trying to grasp, is that if you believe in Jesus Christ your answer should be 10 every time. You have been saved and there is nothing you can do to change the fact that Jesus died for you and that you have been bathed in so much Grace that the ‘perfection’ you’ve been reaching for seems dim in comparison. It’s hard to let yourself go and surrender to God – it’s hard to be a 10 on this scale if you’re holding back. I encourage anyone reading this to spend some time in 1 John and know that
“I write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God so that you may know that you have eternal life.” 1 John 5:13.
UnBlemished 
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